Why inner relationship matters
When we want to change something about ourselves, it’s natural to try harder. To think more clearly. To discipline ourselves into better habits or attitudes.
Sometimes that works. Often, it doesn’t last.
What tends to create lasting change isn’t force, but relationship.
By inner relationship, I am pointing to the way we relate to our own experience—especially the parts of us we find uncomfortable, inconvenient, or confusing. Fear, resistance, impatience, self-doubt, desire.
When we treat these experiences as enemies or obstacles, they usually become louder or more entrenched. When we approach them as parts of us with a role to play, something different happens.
Inner relationship means turning toward what’s happening inside with respect and curiosity, even when it’s uncomfortable. It means asking not “How do I get rid of this?” but “What is this trying to do for me?”
From this perspective, resistance is rarely the problem. More often, it’s a form of protection.
This understanding appears across relational and parts-based approaches to inner life—such as Internal Family Systems and Inner Relationship Focusing—which suggest that protective patterns don’t soften through argument or pressure, but through contact, respect, and understanding.
Protective responses develop for good reasons. They’re shaped by past experience and designed to keep us safe. When these parts feel ignored, judged, or overridden, they tend to tighten their grip. When they feel seen and understood, they often relax naturally, allowing more choice and flexibility.
This is why relational approaches—whether in coaching, therapy, or somatic work—often feel more humane and effective than strategies based on control.
Change doesn’t come from overpowering ourselves.
It comes from learning how to stay in relationship with what we’re experiencing.
When we do that, movement happens—not because we forced it, but because something inside finally felt met.
Further reading (optional):
– No Bad Parts — Richard Schwartz
– Focusing — Eugene Gendlin
